im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize