I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
