Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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