I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
