I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize