I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
