All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
