she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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