Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
