I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
