Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
