saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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