My liver just broke up with me...
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
