just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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