What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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