I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
