I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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