the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
