We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
