I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
