dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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