I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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