I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
