Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
