All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
