It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Randomize