I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
