On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
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