Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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