in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
