Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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