Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
