Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
what is it with giant penises always finding me
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
