i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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