I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
