I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
