The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
