Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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