I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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