The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
