OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
