Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
last night I used snow as a chaser
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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