...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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