Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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