Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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