life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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