My first STD was from a foam party
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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