You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
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