and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I think my nap took me to another dimension
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
