Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Randomize
