Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
