I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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