i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
