I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Just high enough for therapy.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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