Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
