There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
You can't just leave with hair like that
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
