my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
BRING THE BAGELS
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
