I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
