She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
