she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
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