surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
