Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
i out mim tonsoeep
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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