the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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