No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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