so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
