i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
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