What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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