I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
