I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
