And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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