two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
