$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
